


7.19 Resurrection

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-19
Updated: 2006-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Resurrection, with audience participation.





	7.19 Resurrection

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps, and for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem _very_ familiar.  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I'd rather it was a long while, but Jack doesn't play well with others where Daniel's concerned. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.   


* * *

Previously on Stargate SG-1... The Goa'uld are snakes. The NID are snakes. It explains a lot, doesn't it?

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

EXT. WAREHOUSE

[SEVERAL MEN IN BLACK AND MILITARY TYPES ARE HANGING AROUND OUTSIDE WITH GUNS.]

AUDIENCE: So it's an X-Files homage this week, eh? [sigh]

SLASHERS: We might be more forgiving if you show us Mulder and Krychek, and in great detail.

WRITERS: We're not on Showtime anymore, so there's no chance you'll get what you want.

SLASHERS: We have our ways.

ANOTHER SHIPPER COUNTRY HEARD FROM: Scully and Mulder 4evah!

NOROMOS: This is going to a very long night, isn't it?

SLASHERS AND SHIPPERS OF VARIOUS TYPES: We can only hope!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

[SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARRIVE, IN CIVVIES NO LESS, AND ARE GREETED BY AGENT BARRETT.]

BARRETT: How's O'Neill?

SAM: Still recovering.

AUDIENCE: How very convenient to make this a Jack-less episode.

NOROMOS: But the writers can't manage ship without him there.

WRITERS: Once again, you underestimate us. Mwahahaha!

NOROMOS: Oh, crap.

AUDIENCE: On the bright side, not a chance in hell of Cosmic Giddiness.

DANIEL: What happened?

[STRETCHERS WITH COVERED BODIES ARE BEING WHEELED OUT.]

AUDIENCE: Apparently something very, very ungood. Who're the dead folks? Production Assistants who dared to breathe the words, "series bible"?

[BARRETT REVEALS THAT THE WAREHOUSE WAS THE HOME OF A SECRET NID INSTALLATION, AND SHOWS THEM A YOUNG WOMAN LOCKED IN A CLEAR PLASTIC CAGE. APPARENTLY SHE KILLED EVERYONE.]

AUDIENCE: So we get a Silence of the Lambs bit too? Who's got the fava beans and a nice chianti?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. WAREHOUSE

[BARRETT AND SG-.75 ARE VIEWING A TAPE OF THE YOUNG GIRL HELD IN THE CAGE. BARRETT INFORMS THEM THE ONLY OTHER SURVIVOR IS A DR. KEFFLER.]

BARRETT: Let me show you why I asked you here.

AUDIENCE: We were beginning to wonder, what with no gate and all. Though we're getting used to that by now.

[BARRETT SHOWS THEM TO A ROOM FILLED WITH GOA'ULD ARTIFACTS. DANIEL MANAGES NOT TO SPASM IN ESCTASY.]

DANIEL FANS: Damn. No day-um this time.

[BARRETT TELLS THEM THEY THINK THE ARTIFACTS CAME FROM THE GERMANS. KEFFLER'S FATHER WAS A CONVICTED NAZI WAR CRIMINAL.]

AUDIENCE: Whoop, whoop, cliche alert!

[SAM AND BARRET GO OFF TO INTERVIEW KEFFLER IN ANOTHER ROOM. HE'S SHOWN CALMLY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.]

AUDIENCE: He's like a hideous lovechild of Cigarette Smoking Man and Hannibal Lector, isn't he?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: He's stealing my shtick! Somebody call Fox Mulder. Or Chris Carter. No, wait. Fox Mulder, please.

HANNIBAL LECTOR: I thought the girl was stealing my shtick, but now this poseur is trying to talk like me. Think I'll eat his tongue so he won't be able to do that again.

WRITERS: Hide the DVDs! No, wait! Hide *us*!

AUDIENCE: You're on your own.

SLASHERS: Give us slashy subtext, and we'll consider it.

[SAM AND BARRETT LEAVE THE ROOM.]

BARRETT: The guy's quoting Hannibal Lector in there.

HANNIBAL LECTOR: Aha! More evidence for my legal case.

SAM: But he's no match for the master interrogator.

BARRETT: I didn't see you go all Clarice Starling in there.

AUDIENCE: Give the writers time, they'll get her to that point eventually, she knows how to do just about everything else now.

WRITERS: We're working on it. Oh, wait, that's that sarcasm thing again, right?

AUDIENCE: Right-o.

[BARRETT ESCORTS SAM DOWN TO THE NID LAB, WITH DIM LIGHTS.]

SAM: This isn't at all creepy.

AUDIENCE: No, it's not. At least not to anyone who's watched X-Files.

[BARRETT SHOWS SAM A RACK OF JARS WITH PARTIALLY DEVELOPED FETUSES THAT DON'T LOOK QUITE HUMAN. SAM DETERMINES THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT WHAT THE NID WERE DOING IS TO LOOK IN THE COMPUTER FILES.]

BARRETT: We've already tried that, the files are encrypted.

AUDIENCE: You don't know you're dealing with Sammie the Wonder Horse, right? She's a multi-trick pony.

[BARRETT TRIES TO HIT ON SAM.]

AUDIENCE: Geeze man, you've managed to avoid the Black Widow Curse. Don't push your luck.

SAM: It's just that I'm seeing someone right now.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Squee!

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Squee!

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: She's seeing Jack!

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Only in her dreams, and that was *before* she met Pete.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Jack!

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Pete!

NOROMOS: Stop!

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS AND SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: [pout]

[BARRETT CHECKS IN ON DANIEL AND TEAL'C, WHO'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE EGYPTIAN ARTIFACTS.]

SLASHERS: A likely story. Anyone know if there's a security camera in that room? We'll pay cash.

[DANIEL TELLS BARRETT THAT MOST OF THE ARTIFACTS AREN'T UNUSUAL, EXCEPT ONE BOX THAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A GIFT FROM RA TO SAKHMET.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL APPROACHES THE CAGE, AND SEES THAT THE GIRL HAS SEVERAL DRAWINGS TAPED TO THE WALL.]

AUDIENCE: OK, we've just got to say it... all they needed was a water bottle attached to the side to make it look just like a hamster cage. Maybe add a nice habitrail.

DANIEL: I need to know who you are, and why you're in this cage.

ANNA: I didn't kill those people.

DANIEL: There's some pretty overwhelming evidence.

[DANIEL SHOWS HER THE SECURITY VIDEOTAPE.]

SLASHERS: [perk] OK, so there *are* security tapes. Again, we'll pay cash, no questions asked.

DANIEL: Who's Dr. Keffler?

ANNA: He's the one who made me.

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[DANIEL TELLS BARRETT AND SAM ABOUT ANNA'S CLAIM ABOUT KEFFLER MAKING HER. SAM AND DANIEL DECIDE IT'S POSSIBLE HE USED ALIEN TECHNOLOGY TO MAKE HER GROW FASTER THAN NORMAL.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL QUESTIONS ANNA ABOUT HOW LONG SHE'S BEEN IN THE CAGE AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER DURING THAT TIME, AND ABOUT HER ARTWORK.]

ANNA: Those are the things I see in my dreams. They scare me.

DANIEL: If they scare you, why do you hang them up?

ANNA: I don't want them there, but he hurts me if I take them down. They're important to him.

[DANIEL ASKS ABOUT A SPECIFIC PICTURE, ONE SHOWING THE ARK. HE THINKS IT MAY SHOW THE COMBINATION TO OPEN IT.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE ARK

AUDIENCE: That doesn't look like the ark Indiana Jones recovered.

WRITERS: All your life has been spent in pursuit of archeological relics. Inside the Ark are treasures beyond your wildest aspirations. You want to see it opened as well as I. Indiana, er, Daniel, we are simply passing through history. This, this *is* history.

AUDIENCE: Open it and let the glowy light things EAT them, Daniel. Then you can take it on a trip to Kelowna.

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C OPEN THE BOX. THEY DISCOVER A GOA'ULD DEVICE INSIDE.]

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[SAMMIE THE WONDER HORSE HAS OPENED THE COMPUTER FILES. THE AUDIENCE IS NOT SHOCKED. THE RECENT WORK GOES BACK THREE YEARS, BUT THE ARTIFACTS WERE DISCOVERED IN NAPOLEAN'S TIME, AND THE NAZIS TOOK THEM DURING THE WAR. ONE OF THE ITEMS WAS A CANOPIC JAR WITH A GOA'ULD INSIDE. KEFFLER SPLICED HUMAN OVUM WITH DNA FROM THE GOA'ULD, ADDED A DASH OF AREA 51 TECH AND A TOUCH OF TORTURE, AND EVENTUALLY CREATED ANNA.]

DANIEL: The ark is a bomb. It's gonna blow shit up.

WRITERS: Whee!

SAM: What? Daniel, what did Jack say about touching things?

DANIEL: Unless it's him, don't?

SAM: And what did you do?

DANIEL: Teal'c was there too. Yell at him too.

TEAL'C: Don't get me caught in the middle of this.

TRI-SMUTTERS: We don't know, that sounds good to us. Barrett can join in for a quartet.

BARRETT: Are they always like this?

SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C: Pretty much, yeah.

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[SAM AND BARRETT TALK TO DR. LECTOR... ER, KEFFLER AGAIN.]

SAM: How do we deactivate the bomb?

KEFFLER: I didn't know it was a bomb.

BARRETT: So, this girl breaks out of her cell, kills thirty-two people, sets a bomb to go off in a day, then sticks around. How does that make sense?

AUDIENCE: We've been asking questions like that for ages. They keep ignoring us.

KEFFLER: Anna did not set the bomb. It was the Goa'uld. Sakhmet.

SAM: Sakhmet only has partial control. She was trying to blackmail you with the bomb in an attempt to gain full control.

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL TALKS WITH ANNA, TELLING HER HE UNDERSTANDS HER SITUATION BECAUSE OF SHIFU.]

AUDIENCE: Continuity! [faint]

ANNA: What happened to him?

DANIEL: He was saved by a powerful being. He Ascended, and used his powers to show me that seeking the knowledge of the Goa'uld was wrong for any reason.

AUDIENCE: More continuity! [dead faint]

INT. ROOM WITH THE ARK

[DR. LEE HAS ARRIVED TO TRY TO DEFUSE THE BOMB, WITH TEAL'C ASSISTING.]

AUDIENCE: Character continuity! And we won't faint again, because character continuity usually means they're gonna die.

LEE: There's ten pounds of naquadah in this thing.

BARRETT: And that means?

LEE: It would be very bad if it went off.

BARRETT: It's a bomb, it's usually a bad thing when they go off.

[THE TRIO DISCUSS THE POSSIBILITY OF MOVING THE BOMB, AND DECIDE IT WOULD BE A VERY BAD IDEA (TM). LEE IS GOING TO TRY TO DISARM THE BOMB ONSITE.]

BARRETT: I'm going to contact the local authorities and evacuate the area.

LEE: Thanks for your vote of confidence.

BARRETT: How many miles are we talking about here?

LEE: I don't know. How big is Orange County?

BARRETT: You're kidding, right?

LEE: Do I look like a practical joker to you?

AUDIENCE: We (heart) Lee. He's snarky.

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL TALKS WITH ANNA ABOUT THE IMAGES IN HER ARTWORK, TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO DEFUSE THE BOMB.]

ANNA: You're just like *him*.

AUDIENCE: Is the poor girl *blind*? Because Daniel's *nothing* like Keffler.

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[DANIEL'S WATCHING VIDEOS OF KEFFLER AND ANNA, SEARCHING FOR CLUES ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH HER.]

BARRETT: We're trying to evacuate as much of the area as we can, but we don't know how big the blast radius will be. [pause] No pressure.

AUDIENCE: OK, we (heart) Barrett. He's snarky too.

SLASHERS: Hm. Barrett and Dr. Lee?

BARRETT: OK, this is getting very disturbing.

LEE: Tell me about it. You're so not my type.

NOROMOS: And he's managed to survive Sam unscathed, so he's practically bulletproof now.

WRITERS: Not. We'll pass on the maniacal laughter this time. Our throats are still sore from last time.

INT. YET ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[BARRETT AND SAM DISCUSS WHETHER THEY CAN OFFER ANNA HELP OR NOT.]

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[DANIEL'S WATCHING VIDEOS OF KEFFLER AND ANNA AGAIN. KEFFLER IS SHOWN TORMENTING ANNA UNTIL SAKHMET'S PERSONALITY APPEARS.]

INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARK AND GLOOMY WAREHOUSE

[SAM AND BARRETT TALK TO DR. LECTOR... ER, KEFFLER AGAIN.]

WRITERS: Quit calling him Lector, they're not at all similar!

AUDIENCE: You're able to say that with straight faces, aren't you?

[KEFFLER USES THE OLD "DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES" EXCUSE TO EXPLAIN HIS EXPERIMENTS. DANIEL RUSHES INTO THE ROOM TO CONFRONT KEFFLER.]

DANIEL: You let her out. You can control when the Goa'uld personality comes out. You've got a remote control that can shock her, or kill her.

[KEFFLER SHOWS THEM THE REMOTE.]

AUDIENCE: You know men and their remotes. They rarely let go of them.

DANIEL: You wanted her to kill the other scientists, so they wouldn't be able to stop your little experiment.

AUDIENCE: Or maybe they were insulting his obvious parentage.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN AND HANNIBAL LECTOR: Hey!

INT. ROOM WITH THE ARK

[DR. LEE AND TEAL'C ARE ATTEMPTING TO DEFUSE THE BOMB.]

AUDIENCE: So who's got the Lethal Weapon DVD at the ready?

WRITERS: We do! Um. Forget we said anything.

LEE: Blue is typically for power regulation. So if we remove that...

TEAL'C: The device could explode.

LEE: I suppose. It's not like I was going to pull the yellow one.

[LEE ATTACHES HIS LAPTOP TO ONE OF THE COMPUTERS, BUT IT CAUSES THE TIMER TO SPEED UP. THEY NOW HAVE LESS THAN TWO HOURS.]

LEE: OK, that's very, very ungood.

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL IS EXPLAINING THE SITUATION TO ANNA, HOPING THAT SHE'LL REMEMBER SOME OF THE GOA'ULD MEMORIES AND BE ABLE TO SHUT DOWN THE BOMB.]

AUDIENCE: What happened to "seeking the knowledge of the Goa'uld was wrong for any reason"?

DANIEL: We're about to get blown to hell and back, I think it's allowed in this case.

SLASHERS: He said "blown." Hee.

DANIEL: Not long ago, I lost my memory.

AUDIENCE: And apparently the writers lost their memories about him losing his memories. We're surprised it was even mentioned.

WRITERS: Slipped by us this time. Don't worry, it won't be mentioned ever again.

[DANIEL RECOMMENDS TRYING MEDITATION TO ACCESS THE NEEDED MEMORIES.]

INT. KEFFLER'S ROOM

[SAM AND BARRETT TALK TO DR. KEFFLER AGAIN. SAMMY THE WONDER HORSE HAS FOUND MORE INFORMATION IN THE FILES.]

SAM: Even if we could halt the rapid growth, you didn't isolate the gene that carries the Goa'uld genetic knowledge. There's nothing we can do to stop the Goa'uld DNA from taking over, and she'll die a horrible death.

DANIEL FANS: At least Sam's showing some righteous anger over this girl's possible death, unlike how she reacted to Daniel's.

JANET FANS: Or Janet's.

KEFFLER: I built in a kill switch in her brain that can be activated by remote.

SAM: How humane.

AUDIENCE: How cliché.

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE 

[DANIEL'S ATTEMPTING TO GUIDE ANNA'S MEDITATION.]

AUDIENCE: Where'd he get the candles, and is putting a lit candle into the cage a Really Bad Idea (tm)?

[SAKHMET COMES OUT, PILES UP ANNA'S ARTWORK AND LIGHTS THEM WITH THE CANDLE.]

AUDIENCE: See, we knew the candle was a bad idea.

[DANIEL CALLS FOR HELP TO PUT OUT THE FIRE, THEN WE SEE SAM AND BARRETT RUN INTO THE ROOM TO FIND DANIEL NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AND ANNA'S GONE.]

AUDIENCE: Did we like, you know, blink or something? Did we miss a scene?

[KEFFLER OVERHEARS ABOUT ANNA BEING ON THE LOOSE ON A GUARD'S RADIO, WHILE BARRETT SHOWS HE'S NEVER WATCHED A HORROR MOVIE BY GOING DOWN A DARK STAIRWELL ALONE. ANNA KNOCKS HIM OUT AND GET'S KEFFLER'S REMOTE CONTROL.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE PLASTIC CAGE

[DANIEL'S LOOKING AT MORE OF ANNA'S ARTWORK.]

DANIEL: I don't think she's acting as the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: She doesn't really have the fashion sense to be a Goa'uld.

INT. KEFFLER'S ROOM

[KEFFLER'S GUARD SHOWS HE'S NEVER WATCHED A TV SHOW AS HE FALLS FOR THE OLD "MY PILLS" ROUTINE AND KEFFLER ESCAPES.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE ARK

[DANIEL SLAPS A PAGE DOWN IN FRONT OF DR. LEE AND TEAL'C.]

DANIEL: I think it's the deactivation code.

[DANIEL RUSHES OUT OF THE ROOM.]

DR. LEE: Are we sure he's not still Ascended? Because he breezed through so quickly, I don't think I actually saw him.

INT. HALLWAY

AUDIENCE: Oh man, not another hallway!

SGC CORRIDOR: Are you two-timing on me?

[SAM AND DANIEL SEARCH FOR ANNA. SAM FINDS BARRETT OUT COLD ON THE FLOOR AND CALLS FOR A MEDIC.]

INT. ROOM WITH THE ARK

[DR. LEE AND TEAL'C TRY THE DEACTIVATION CODE.]

LEE: It's off. I mean, the light's off, so it's off, right?

AUDIENCE: Not glowing equals good. Unless you're talking about someone's who's Ascended.

TEAL'C: Indeed.

[LEE TRIES TO HIGH FIVE TEAL'C, TEAL'C LOOKS AMUSED AT THE CONCEPT.]

LEE: So, you know where I can find some clean underwear now? 'Cause it's been a real brown shorts kind of day.

INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY

SGC CORRIDOR: I'm really getting pissed now.

[ANNA CONFRONTS KEFFLER WITH A GUN. KEFFLER TRIES TO SWEET TALK HER, BUT ANNA'S NOT BUYING.]

KEFFLER: I will help you.

ANNA: You can't help me. I never believed you. All the evil I've seen in my mind is *nothing* compared to what I see in you.

[WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SOMEONE RUNNING, AS A GUN FIRES. DANIEL ARRIVES TO FIND THAT ANNA HAS NOT ONLY SHOT KEFFLER, BUT USED HIS REMOTE DEVICE TO COMMIT SUICIDE.]

ANNA: You couldn't help me.

[LONG PANNING SHOT AWAY FROM DANIEL AND ANNA, PASSING BY KEFFLER'S BODY.]

AUDIENCE: Looks like a new director was enamored with the dolly shot, eh?

AMANDA TAPPING: Yep.

AUDIENCE: Next time out, ask if they can spring for some lights in the budget.

FADE OUT

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Where the hell is the kiss scene? We saw the still photo. We want our kiss scene, dammit! We wuz robbed!

NEXT WEEK, A NEW PRESIDENT MEANS A NEW REGIME. CAN WE GET ONE FOR THE SHOW TOO.


End file.
